The Morning

The following sentence is a vast understatement. I am not a morning person. In fact, I'm so far from being a morning person that my Father has actually advised boyfriends, in the past, not to "do" anything or "say" anything to me until at least half an hour after waking, possibly with a cup of tea in hand, as a peace offering. Whatever you do, don't be cheerful or talkative!

On family weekends and holidays, my nephews were so terrified of being the one chosen to wake me up, that I would hear their hushed but frenzied arguing outside my door, and furiously scream out, "I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!!". My Mother and Father still ask me if I would like to be woken up for breakfast when I'm staying at their house, knowing that if I say, "Yes please", they are not likely to be met with sweetness and light. A soft gentle tap on the door at 8am sounds, to me, as if someone is trying to knock down the door with a battering ram, and I usually respond to a, "Good morning darling", with a loud grunt of irritation! I know, I am a complete cow.

It might stem from childhood… my hatred for waking up. I was one of those children that needed multiple reminders to get out of bed. Each time my parents came into my bedroom, finding me unmoved, their voices would become increasingly laced with volume and frustration until, as a last resort, my Father would come in with a cold wet flannel and rub my face with it. Haha. It was worse in winter, however. Our house was so cold that we survived the nights with hot water bottles and excessive bedding. My sister and I would put our school uniforms - including knickers and socks - over the radiators the night before, so that they would warm up as the heating came to life (for a few seconds) in the morning. We would fling back the covers as quickly as possible, grab our clothes off the radiator and drag it all back to bed, getting dressed under the heavy warmth of the sheets and blankets. We would emerge from our cosy cocoons, crumpled and skewiff, our hair standing on end from the static of the undercover battle. So you can imagine why mornings might equate to an uncomfortable memory and may be the reason I want to stay in bed as long as possible.

I am so much better when I'm allowed to gradually introduce myself to the world at my own pace, with no interruptions or annoyances… no chivvying, no conversation and no noise. Bliss. But it's hard to find complete quiet anywhere these days. Even at my family's house in the Lake District which is surrounded by trees and fields and not a car or city noise for miles, I remember being woken at 5am one morning by a particularly vocal sheep. I groggily got out of bed, opened the window and actually shouted at it to be quiet! One of my most embarrassing 'grumpy wake-up' experiences happened when I was staying with my Aunt and Uncle in New England. It had been a late night and the house was blissfully quiet the next morning until I heard the piano being played downstairs. I say 'played', it was actually one note being hit repeatedly, very loudly. This continued for quite some time until I was gritting my teeth with irritation. I stomped across the bedroom, out onto the landing, and leaning over the banister, shouted, "Um hello! Whoever is down there, if you are going to play the piano first thing in the morning, at least play a bloomin' tune, rather than just 'plinking' the same note over and over again… it's soo annoying!" There was silence. I waited for a moment and then shouted, "Hello?" Another silence, and then a man's voice (sounding somewhat distant and terrified) said, "Yes hello, um, I'm the piano tuner. I won't be much longer. Sorry." Oh. My. God. Embarrassment does not come close to how I felt, and all I could say was, "Ok, thanks so much", and sloped back to my bedroom with my tail between my legs, utterly mortified.

So I admit it, I not only have a problem waking up, but it is doubly worse when combined with noise, be it before, during or after sleep. All my friends and family will contest to this as they have all been witness to it. My friends with children know that the volume level on electronic play things is better when low or turned off, if it near to where I'm slumbering. I have been known to play hide and seek (mostly hide) with certain irritatingly noisy toys, which is a great game for the children and sanity for me. But you know, I'm fine with constant noise, say an electric fan, heavy rain or rustling leaves. What I'm not good with are the sudden, unexpected noises… someone sneezing or coughing in the next room, a sudden blast of a car horn, a creak in the floorboards or a door slamming. I am such a light sleeper that the merest groan of my neighbours fridge will wake me at 4am! It's incredibly frustrating, how easily I can be roused by the lightest of noises. So many nights' sleep are cut short by a yowling fox or the beeping of a lorry's reverse lights, that I simply cant remember the last time I had 8 hours of luxurious unconsciousness. And of course, I can't choose my work hours which is why weekday mornings are always a problem. I hate hate hate getting up early.

I recently posted a question on Facebook… What is your average weekday morning routine? This was mine:

7:20 Wake up

7:25 Shower

7:40 Make breakfast and lunch

7:55 Dry hair, put on make-up, eat breakfast

8:25 Get dressed

8:35 Leave house

8:45 Get on tube

9:20 Get off tube

9:30 Start work

What I didn't mention, were the certain weird things I do to make mornings more tolerable. I don't hit the snooze button because that is putting off the inevitable. I only, ever, want to hear my alarm once... more than once and I would have to go and retrieve my alarm clock from next doors' garden! My shower time looks fairly long, at fifteen minutes, but the first ten of those are actually doing a few downward dogs and a bit of dry body brushing… and if you don't know what either of those things are, be careful when you google it! The rest of my shower time is simply me standing very still under my pathetic dribble of a shower. I always make my lunch to take to work (because I save about £30 a week), and I always have breakfast at home (there is nothing worse than smelling someone's instant porridge or bacon butty wafting over from the opposite desk!). I also, almost always, lay my breakfast out on a tray, with a napkin and silverware, and take it back to bed. This is odd, apparently. I once called a  breakfast radio show to share a story about arguments on long car journeys (cue 'knowing' laughter from my sister and parents), and they asked where I was calling from. I told them I was in bed, having breakfast. Of course, they thought it must be a birthday or an anniversary treat but I told them I had breakfast in bed every morning. There was a collective, "Oooo-ooo-ooh", from the radio team, and after much laughter, I realised that perhaps it did come across as being a little opulent. I think it stems from having the ultimate luxury years ago… breakfast in bed at a stunning hotel. You wake up late, laze around in a huge bed with crisp linen sheets and someone brings you a tray, laden with goodies. Ahhh. Also, my Father used to bring us breakfast in bed some Sunday mornings so, for me, trying to recreate that experience, every day, makes life a bit more civilised and makes me, a bit happier. Much better than just grabbing a piece of toast as you head out of the door. Go on, try it for one day and see how you feel. Of course, there is always a downside to this treat… someone not used to this way of eating breakfast, my occasional boyfriends invariably spilling boiling hot coffee over the sheets and themselves or dropping crumbs in the bed. And that, is very irritating indeed!

The rest of my morning is pretty standard I think… hair drying, putting on make-up and getting dressed. Oh, I do always lay out my clothes the night before, and even check the weather forecast to make sure I'm not over or under layering for the following day. Is that a teensy bit OCD? Again, maybe I am regressing back to the days of having my school uniform out and ready on the radiators every morning, or maybe, it just saves time and the brain ache of decision making.

Having heard back from friends on Facebook, I do realise I may be alone with my slight quirks. Apart from my friends getting up between 5 and 6am because of children and pets, or early cups of tea because of insomnia, no one replied with anything that unusual. Maybe everyone is keeping quiet because it's better not to expose oneself too much, leaving a little to the imagination… I realise I have completely shot myself in the foot for any prospective love interests, unless of course you like a grumpy, well fed woman who brushes herself and does naked yoga. Ok, don't answer that!