The Joy of Aqua Aerobics.
Aqua Aerobics class. Monday 7pm.
Class size: 30
Class length: 1 hour
Average age: 50
Percentage of women to men: 100%
Average breast size: 42 GG
Average weight: 200 lbs
Average water swallowed per session: 2 pints
Length of time spent giggling: 30 mins
Length of time making noises of exertion: 30 mins
Aqua aerobics is supposed to be one of the gentler types of exercise. Because my knees are, medically speaking, um... buggered, I have to be careful with the sort of exercise I do. I can't twist or lunge and I can't rotate my knee past 45 degrees, so tennis is out, any normal dance or aerobics class is out, and everything else I have to be a bit careful with. I can walk, hurrah. I can cycle, I can do Pilates and Yoga, if I miss out some of the really bendy asanas, and I can swim as long as I don't do breaststroke. I have lost weight this year and until I have my knee surgery, I damn well want to keep the weight off and remain fit, so I try and do as many varied things as I can. So Aqua aerobics is one of the safe ones. It's low impact, non weight-bearing, great for strengthening your core, and hilarious. Laughing is also great for your health and well being, as long as you keep your mouth shut whilst doing it. In a warm, chlorinated, and (most likely) germ and pee-infested swimming pool, it's not advisable to do anything with your mouth open. I usually forget how much I enjoy aqua aerobics until I get there, and then I grin for the entire hour.
The women in my class are big and joyous, and seem to be that way both in and out of the pool. I have been going to this class pretty regularly for the last few years, so I know most of them to say hello to when I see them around Balham. It does sometimes takes me a while to realise how I know them, however, as I usually see them half naked, bouncing around in 4 feet of water and not fully clothed, pushing a shopping trolley around Sainsbury's! They are probably on average a size 18-20, but don't seem at all body conscious, standing around the pool in pretty skimpy costumes, having a good old gossip. One lady is my favourite. A big beautiful Jamaican woman who always says, "Hello blondie" when she sees me. She has, without doubt, the largest boobs I have ever seen, and she certainly would not be in danger of drowning if she was involved in a hazardous water accident. What I love about her, is that in order for the aerobics to be more challenging, she always stands in deeper water, near me. Now, I am 5'9" and she is about 5'2"... on me, the water comes to just below my shoulder blades, but on her, the water comes up to her chin, therefore, so do her boobs. They are such massive flotation devices that she cannot see over the top of them. And her laugh is so infectious as she tries to push them down, that the whole class ends up in fits of giggles. The instructor, who looks like she has just stepped off the 100 metre track at the Olympics, and is so trim and toned it's quite nauseating, can't help herself either. All she can do, in between hoots of laughter, is to keep suggesting that she goes a bit shallower. "No, I'm fine my darling" she shouts back, "it's all good, it's all good". You can only imagine what happens when the exercises actually start.
The bouncing of my companion, as we begin to jog underwater, causes mini tidal waves to sweep across the pool, half-drowning not only her neighbours, but herself as they hit the side and return to where they started. Gallons of water escape as we jump and splash in unison. The male lifeguards grin and stare, completely transfixed, as 30 pairs of breasts brake the surface ever few seconds, with such ferocity, that it's probably better than watching the Orca's at Seaworld. It may all sound like fun and games but it's actually really really difficult, and that's where the other noises come in. Trying to do boxing punches and karate kicks with the resistance of water is bloody hard, and I'm sure some of the older ladies in our group, have let a water bubble or two escape with the exertion of it all. On top of all that, Miss Olympics decides to throw in foam dumbbells to make the water resistance even harder, making us pump them rigourously, as we are forced to "run" up and down the pool. Now don't be ridiculous, no one can run underwater! We looked like complete and utter morons, groaning and grunting and we slow-moed at no miles an hour. I started to get the feeling that our instructor was just making us do things for her own amusement and that just possibly, at the same time as I am writing this, she is tweeting, "You won't believe what I got them to do in the pool today? Running! I know... LOL!"
The last exercise began with an inverted cross, face down in the water with our arms outstretched. Then we had to tuck our legs into our chests whilst pulling the dumbbells down and underneath our feet. This movement, we were told, would bring us upright, bobbing happily in the water. If the description sounds confusing, you should try doing it. Not one of us managed it without half drowning. Dumbbells shot up into the air as we lost control, spluttering and gasping whilst swallowing large gulps of water as we laughed uncontrollably. It was a complete disaster and our instructor simply shrugged and sat down on the bench, her work done.
So... if you've never tried it, look up your nearest swimming pool and see if they do Aqua Aerobics classes. I guarantee you will laugh your arse off, and even if you don't, you'll get a pretty toned one!
Class size: 30
Class length: 1 hour
Average age: 50
Percentage of women to men: 100%
Average breast size: 42 GG
Average weight: 200 lbs
Average water swallowed per session: 2 pints
Length of time spent giggling: 30 mins
Length of time making noises of exertion: 30 mins
Aqua aerobics is supposed to be one of the gentler types of exercise. Because my knees are, medically speaking, um... buggered, I have to be careful with the sort of exercise I do. I can't twist or lunge and I can't rotate my knee past 45 degrees, so tennis is out, any normal dance or aerobics class is out, and everything else I have to be a bit careful with. I can walk, hurrah. I can cycle, I can do Pilates and Yoga, if I miss out some of the really bendy asanas, and I can swim as long as I don't do breaststroke. I have lost weight this year and until I have my knee surgery, I damn well want to keep the weight off and remain fit, so I try and do as many varied things as I can. So Aqua aerobics is one of the safe ones. It's low impact, non weight-bearing, great for strengthening your core, and hilarious. Laughing is also great for your health and well being, as long as you keep your mouth shut whilst doing it. In a warm, chlorinated, and (most likely) germ and pee-infested swimming pool, it's not advisable to do anything with your mouth open. I usually forget how much I enjoy aqua aerobics until I get there, and then I grin for the entire hour.
The women in my class are big and joyous, and seem to be that way both in and out of the pool. I have been going to this class pretty regularly for the last few years, so I know most of them to say hello to when I see them around Balham. It does sometimes takes me a while to realise how I know them, however, as I usually see them half naked, bouncing around in 4 feet of water and not fully clothed, pushing a shopping trolley around Sainsbury's! They are probably on average a size 18-20, but don't seem at all body conscious, standing around the pool in pretty skimpy costumes, having a good old gossip. One lady is my favourite. A big beautiful Jamaican woman who always says, "Hello blondie" when she sees me. She has, without doubt, the largest boobs I have ever seen, and she certainly would not be in danger of drowning if she was involved in a hazardous water accident. What I love about her, is that in order for the aerobics to be more challenging, she always stands in deeper water, near me. Now, I am 5'9" and she is about 5'2"... on me, the water comes to just below my shoulder blades, but on her, the water comes up to her chin, therefore, so do her boobs. They are such massive flotation devices that she cannot see over the top of them. And her laugh is so infectious as she tries to push them down, that the whole class ends up in fits of giggles. The instructor, who looks like she has just stepped off the 100 metre track at the Olympics, and is so trim and toned it's quite nauseating, can't help herself either. All she can do, in between hoots of laughter, is to keep suggesting that she goes a bit shallower. "No, I'm fine my darling" she shouts back, "it's all good, it's all good". You can only imagine what happens when the exercises actually start.
The bouncing of my companion, as we begin to jog underwater, causes mini tidal waves to sweep across the pool, half-drowning not only her neighbours, but herself as they hit the side and return to where they started. Gallons of water escape as we jump and splash in unison. The male lifeguards grin and stare, completely transfixed, as 30 pairs of breasts brake the surface ever few seconds, with such ferocity, that it's probably better than watching the Orca's at Seaworld. It may all sound like fun and games but it's actually really really difficult, and that's where the other noises come in. Trying to do boxing punches and karate kicks with the resistance of water is bloody hard, and I'm sure some of the older ladies in our group, have let a water bubble or two escape with the exertion of it all. On top of all that, Miss Olympics decides to throw in foam dumbbells to make the water resistance even harder, making us pump them rigourously, as we are forced to "run" up and down the pool. Now don't be ridiculous, no one can run underwater! We looked like complete and utter morons, groaning and grunting and we slow-moed at no miles an hour. I started to get the feeling that our instructor was just making us do things for her own amusement and that just possibly, at the same time as I am writing this, she is tweeting, "You won't believe what I got them to do in the pool today? Running! I know... LOL!"
The last exercise began with an inverted cross, face down in the water with our arms outstretched. Then we had to tuck our legs into our chests whilst pulling the dumbbells down and underneath our feet. This movement, we were told, would bring us upright, bobbing happily in the water. If the description sounds confusing, you should try doing it. Not one of us managed it without half drowning. Dumbbells shot up into the air as we lost control, spluttering and gasping whilst swallowing large gulps of water as we laughed uncontrollably. It was a complete disaster and our instructor simply shrugged and sat down on the bench, her work done.
So... if you've never tried it, look up your nearest swimming pool and see if they do Aqua Aerobics classes. I guarantee you will laugh your arse off, and even if you don't, you'll get a pretty toned one!
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